Time and again, it turns out that clients who recognize themselves in these struggles have been over-adapting since childhood. From a very young age, they found it incredibly easy to sense exactly what their parents and the people around them expected of them.
If that was the case, it might be that a parent was ill, going through a difficult time themselves, or carrying their own trauma. It is also possible that you had a parent who simply never learned how to navigate feelings and vulnerability as an adult, because no one ever taught them. This dynamic is what we call growing up with emotionally immature parents.
In other cases, there may be a narcissistic parent involved who projects their own expectations onto the child. They require the child to mold themselves into a specific image, meaning there is simply no space allowed for the child to develop into their own unique person.
What if we were to explore that together? Not from a critical or blaming perspective—since there is always an underlying reason for these patterns—but rather to look at how it impacted you as a child to grow up inside that kind of family system.
Dan leerde je waarschijnlijk je eigen gevoelens te negeren. En je eigen behoeften. Je wensen. Je leerde dat er geen ruimte was voor jouw mening als deze anders was. Of dat je feedback op een bepaalde manier moest verpakken zodat ‘het goed zou vallen.’
You learned that you couldn't just say what was bothering you, or express what you wanted, what you hoped for, or that you needed help. Perhaps you were allowed to gently hint at it, but maybe not even that.
Even in this case, you have every right to choose a different path. You can at last grant yourself the breathing room you deserve, in total safety. You can begin to untangle what happened in those early dynamics—discovering which lessons still serve you, and which ones were false, such as the idea that you were responsible for adapting to everyone else’s moods, thoughts, and feelings.
Guided by this new clarity, you can begin to make different decisions. It is completely natural to feel nervous or hesitant at first. Yet, as you take those steps, your self-confidence will naturally build, allowing you to clearly see what you truly want and need.
In many cases, using EMDR (trauma therapy) is helpful to help your body feel safe enough in the future, to express a differing opinion or assert your own boundaries with others.
