FAQ
Why do I feel guilty and unsafe when I set boundaries?
This is because you (probably in your youth) learned to adapt to others. It was appreciated and possibly even necessary. Your nervous system then learned that adapting to others provides safety and that it is best if the other person feels well. And even though you're an adult now, your nervous system has learned this to be true. By then, you will feel responsible for the feelings of others.
Can I still learn to take space and set boundaries?
Yes, you can! But often setting boundaries is easier said than done. That's because your nervous system needs to learn a new foundation of what true safety is. That safety is not about adapting to what others want, expect and demand. (In fact, that is very unsafe!) So you might have to shift at different levels. I'll tell you more below.
What can I do to deal with "fawning" or co-dependency or any other trauma response?
What are the layers I may 'rebuild?'
Begrijpen: begrijpen hoe het komt dat je je schuldig of onveilig voelt als je je grenzen aangeeft of ruimte inneemt. Of je stem laat horen. Of aangeeft wat je wilt. Hierbij kun je kijken naar je eigen ervaringen in het leven. Maar ook binnen je familie, binnen je school en binnen je cultuur. Wat was ‘normaal’? Mocht je boos zijn? Werd je gerespecteerd als je als jong kind met je voetje stampte en werd er dan gevraagd wat je niet leuk vond? Of werd erom gelachen?
Processing: Healing the Core Traumas:Key moments from your past—like the examples mentioned above—can lead to a survival mechanism known as fawning (chronic over adapting and pleasing to avoid conflict / rejection. If you want to dive deeper into this topic, you could read my blog post on the fawning response).To truly calm your nervous system, it may be necessary to go back in time and process those important moments. Even after all these years, therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be incredibly powerful in helping your body release stored survival stress and rewrite its emotional blueprint towards safety and a sense of being calm and relaxed. This wasn't to do with you at all. This was intergenerational 'ignorance.'
Keuzes maken: En dan – al voelt het nog zo spannend – kun je ook daadwerkelijk vaker je eigen mening gaan geven. Je wensen kenbaar maken. Nee zeggen als je nee voelt en ervaren dat dat veilig is.
Being: Embodying Self-CompassionUltimately, you are allowed to simply be there for yourself—with understanding, inner peace, compassion, and love. Healing requires you to hold space for yourself and acknowledge just how challenging this journey truly is. You don't have to walk this path alone; I would love to stand beside you and guide you through this process.
What happens to my relationship when I set boundaries?
Often others around you are open to this when you explain it. If so, this is beautiful. Because then, you can practice, explain, understand each other and heal. Together, you stand stronger, more powerful and more loving than you would ever have been otherwise.
And sometimes others aren't so understanding.
Despite you explaining it to the best of your ability. In a loving, calm and understanding way.
This too can happen. It is likely to feel powerless, but they may have their own feelings, processes and reactions. They may expect people around them to always adapt. And they might become indignant or even hateful when they are met with boundaries.
If the other says you're the one who's over sensitive, it's called gaslighting. .
This is - especially if you have avoided conflict your entire life - incredibly painful. Because your greatest fear might be coming true: You get rejected when you show yourself, your opinions, your boundaries.
However, you are allowed to set the boundary that you are no longer that kind of person, and that you do not accept their dominance and toxicity in your life. And then, the contact changes. It can decrease, even stop, or take on a different form. It may (through you setting your boundaries) become such that your boundaries are respected. That you as a person are respected. This can lead to (deep) mourning because it was never your intention to take distance. But in some sad cases, that is the downside of the freedom to be who you really are.
What if I get rejected when I set boundaries?
As I described above, it may change your contact with others. With this, there will first be a time of unrest. You can feel insecure when the other says it's you. If you are met by indignance and unwillingness to take responsibility or communicate or be selfreflective.
Therefore, a grieving process and insecurity can arise. But you can get through that as well, and you do not have to do it alone! I am truly willing to stand beside you on your path.
Isn't it better to adapt to what people expect? That feels safer!
Het klopt dat het in eerste instantie veiliger voelt in je lichaam om je aan te passen. Dan heb je geen verhoogde hartslag. Geen trillende handen. Geen angst of je nog wel ‘oke’ bent. Of je er nog wel mag zijn. De vraag is dus eigenlijk: wat wil je op de lange termijn?
If I am myself, do I still have friendships and family around me?
Dat is een enge vraag, en ik kan je niet garanderen dat alle mensen van ‘voorheen’ je verandering met open armen verwelkomen. Wat ik je wel kan zeggen, is dat de relatie met jezelf eerst mag veranderen. Zonder dat er iets anders verandert in je leven.
It is like I wrote on my website: The foundation of change lies in the relationship with yourself.
Imagine being your own best friend. Unconditionally understanding, loving, kind, patient. Just the way you have been for others. That is when a new foundation is created. You are no longer so dependent on others for the love you need. You find that largely within yourself. And in the people (or faith, spirituality) with whom you feel truly safe. That foundation needs to be there first. After that, a shift often happens naturally. Contacts where you cannot be yourself start costing more and more effort. And then, it slowly becomes easier to set your boundaries. And people will enter your life who appreciate you, celebrate you, and—of course—accept your boundaries.
It is quite a process, but also a process in which you find freedom, more and more self-love, and more and more peace and self-confidence. You will start to see the responsibility that other people take—or do not take—for their own process, feelings, and life. And that helps you to hold onto your own foundation of compassion. Both for yourself and others.
